I'll Hang Up & Listen…

DISCLAIMER:  This story contains talk of NASCAR.  Please stick with me until I make my point as there are other sports discussed.

Jimmie Johnson won his second straight Sprint Cup Race Sunday afternoon in Las Vegas.  Johnson is once again the favorite to win his 5th consecutive Series Championship…which has led me to write this post.

I used to care about watching NASCAR races.  In fact, I used to watch almost every lap of every race for a period of about 3 years.  And I’m not talking about the kind of watching where you watch the National Anthem, the first twenty laps, go play a round of golf, wash your car, mow the lawn and then catch the last twenty laps either.  I mean watching the talking heads give their pre-race analysis, watching some overweight washed-up country singer who had a hit once in 1979 sing an awful rendition of the National Anthem, hearing “Gentlemen, Start Your Engines”, watching every lap from the green flag to the checkered flag, watching the winner unhook every strap known to man to exit his car in Victory Lane and finally the post-race comments by the same talking heads.  I know, sounds boring huh?  

Experts of the NASCAR media probably speculate I am no different from many fans the sport has lost in the last 2 years or so.  The decline is mostly attributed to tighter restrictions on the cars and the ban on aggressive driving.  But the fact is I have quit watching the sport for an entirely different reason; Jimmie…Freakin’…Johnson.  Man I can’t stand that guy.  And not  because he’s a bad guy or anything.  In fact, he’s regarded as one of the more courteous and fan-friendly drivers in the Sprint Cup Series.  My hatred stems from a problem I’ve had since I knew what sports were.  I have never been one to like the competitor that wins ALL THE TIME.  I have compiled a list of examples and explanations as to why below, in order of sports hatred.  While I do speak of hatred below, you must know I do not actually hate those I write about.  I simply sports-hate them and have tried not to attack their character or personal life to the best of my ability. 

#5.  Jim Tressel - Those of you who know me will understand this hatred, but I promise it isn’t because of his constant bludgeoning of my Wolverines for the last 9 seasons.  It’s because of how his stupid team, in the state I believe God used to punish the U.S., is consistently ranked in the Top 5 at the start of every college football season.  And although they do typically win the Big Ten every year, who are they beating?  Iowa?  Wisconsin?  Penn State?  Even after taking a beating in countless BCS bowls to clearly superior teams, mostly from the SEC, the Luckeyes still end up towards the top of the National picture somehow before being exposed every year.  My hatred does not subside any when he wears that stupid sweater vest in the middle of September either.

#4.  Michael Jordan - I know I am going to take a beating on this one from all 6 people who read this blog, but he had to make the list.  Growing up watching the NBA I remember MJ constantly torching my beloved Pistons on numerous occasions.  Again, my disdain for Jordan doesn’t solely revolve around his domination over my team.  It includes over a decade of dominance that I simply grew tired of.  It gets old watching someone go out and score 35-40 points a night, win 6 championships and dominate a sport for almost 2o years. 

#3.  Jeff Gordon – I can write this because my brother-in-law is currently in a foreign country, well out of head-slapping range of me.  Gordon is no different from the others in the list because he dominated his sport for many years.  As NASCAR’s youngest Cup Champion he built both the largest fan base in the sport while simultaneously becoming the most hated driver as well.  There is no middle ground to NASCAR fans when it comes to Jeff Gordon.  You either love him or hate him and I will always fall in the latter grouping.

#2.  Phil Mickelson - I know you are probably saying “Really Steven?  Mickelson?  What about Tiger?”.  Here’s the thing, while Tiger’s misfortunes of late have certainly tarnished his legacy I will always see him as the most dominant athlete of my time.  The reason Mickelson appears on this list is simple, he’s a closet jerk.  And before you ask, no, I don’t know this for a fact, but sometimes you just have a gut feeling (and numerous rumors from Tour Pros).  Although there hasn’t been any confirmation of Hefty Lefty’s drowning puppies, his happy-go-lucky attitude on the course has always irked me.  There is just something about that goofy smile he flashes after hitting a 60-degree wedge to 2 feet that makes me want to chase him down a fairway like Elin Woods with a 9-iron. 

#1.  Jimmie Johnson – You guessed it.  So what is it that makes me so hostile towards JJ?  Very simply, he wins.  And he wins too much.  The man has essentially caused me to quit watching the sport that used to consume my Sunday afternoons.  There is no mystery left in the sport.  Of the handful of drivers that could legitimately win the race (sorry Scott Speed), Johnson is the odds on favorite at almost every track.  The only reason for me to even watch NASCAR highlights anymore is to see if there is a chance someone besides the stupid #48 won.  My hatred is also increased by the fact the Lowe’s Chevy is in-part owned by Jeff Gordon (see #3 on this list). 

When it boils down to it, the members of this prestigious list all have 1 thing in common, they win.  While I like cheering for winners, I have Sports A.D.D. and can’t be expected to deal with superior athletes/coaches.  After all, variety keeps us all guessing at what might come next.  And if I have to keep seeing Scruffy McGee climb out of his sissy blue car in Victory Lane every week again this year, he will take all 5 spots on next year’s list;  one for every Championship.